Sunday, April 1, 2007

The Blogocalypse at the End of the Universe

Ah, you're here. Whaaa--? You let the Paranoid Android park your time machine?! Never mind, nothing. No, no, really--it'll be fine. Eh, what's that? No, it was not a good idea to give to the cyborg outside--what were you thinking? Never mind, I'm sure his children will be by soon to take care of him. Please walk this way...did you see the notice that William Shatner's Vogon poetry reading has been cancelled? Never fear, we were able to book an up-and-coming trip-hop DJ in his place. Perhaps you've heard of him--MC Rove? A rare talent, indeed. Ah, here's your table. Might I interest you in a drink? Old Janx Spirit? Hmmm, you don't quite look--never mind, never mind, coming right up. Ah, here's your waiter. You may refer to it as the Blogocalyptic Major Cow. Thank you. Please enjoy your meal tonight as if it were to have been your last.

Greetings and salutations. It's my duty, pleasure, and indeed honor to be your server and to be serving you tonight. Might I interest you in our latest menu? Or perhaps you would like our original? No? Its sequel was quite good. Please enjoy the apocalyptic stylings of post-punk/death-techno trio Hug the Shoggoth as you peruse the menus. I'll be back.

Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. I forgot to list our specials tonight. My deepest apologies. Our first is a dish sure to tickle your palate and raise your spirits, clearly inspired by the Robert Frost poem "Fire and Ice":

SOME say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.


Next we have a dish that will make you stop to savor its delightful juxtapositions and skillful thin-slicing. You'll definitely want seconds.

Our final special is less a dish than a multi-course meal, a veritable moveable feast.

Thank you. Please watch this documentary as you decide what to order. I'll be back.

Ah, excuse me a moment. Our chef just informed me we have another special tonight: blood pudding. It comes highly recommended. I know--so difficult to choose what to order. Some of our guests find it helpful to take a stroll down our holodeck and enjoy the installation and the virtual coffee table. Improves the appetite and clears the mind. Plus you can pick up a free coupon to join our book club. All right, then. I'll be back.

I'll need your order now. Hurry up, please, it's time.

[Update 4/7/06: Via Quiet Bubble, I ordered these here 1979 Douglas Adams interviews (one more coming). I almost never get to order any of those off-menu chef's specials and I'm loving these! Perhaps for dessert I'll order Tool's April 1 newsletter.]

14 comments:

JP Stormcrow said...

I'd leave a comment, but I'm still clicking on all of the links.

The Constructivist said...

You may place your order at your convenience. Never mind the rude waiter.

spyder said...

Is there a drive through that will fit my giant SUV Hummer limo??? I want the fast food choice menu please. And no, i won't turn down the music....



Stacy Lewis seems too comfortable as a young amateur playing this course...

Joseph Kugelmass said...

Thanks so much! I've never felt so delectable in all my years.

The Constructivist said...

I figure it's in keeping with our first exchange on your blog over cold mashed potatos!

Oaktown Girl said...

Coffee? Did someone mention coffee?
I am sooooo there.

I can't do this whole apocalypse thing without coffee, ya know.

The Constructivist said...

"No coffee, no 'calypse!" shall henceforth be (humbly submitted to the WAAGNFNP's MOJ for approval as) the Party chant, provided of course we have a calypso band playing at our demos.

Captcha: "mprops" (too good to be made up).

JP Stormcrow said...

Try this link thingie or even
this

The Constructivist said...

Too funny! Here's another I missed.

The Constructivist said...

JP's already seen Berube's 1 April piece over at Pandagon and is all over the RHPS resonances. Others may want to take a look and join the fantasizing.

Hug the Shoggoth said...

Just so I get this right - are we, are you talking about the "Blogocalypse" in the sense of a competition thing that has losers, winners, and (dare I say it?) awards? If so, I guess I would have to cancel appointments and classes in order to write toward the end grand style...;-)

The Constructivist said...

YES--cancelling classes and appointments is a must when it comes to winning the Blogocalypse sweepstakes. Just be as vague as I am on what is at stake and people will think it's so important they'll ask you to take more time off from work for the good of the organization. In fact, go tell them you're a finalist and may already be a winner!

The Constructivist said...

Hey there, if you've made it this far down the comments after all those links you're probably looking for more reading material, so here's a link to the Feminist SF Carnival, which I never got around to writing something to submit to/for.

The Constructivist said...

The Editors are sad that I went with Sadly, No! on the environmental theme, so they're hitting it hard but belatedly. Sorry Charlie--you all only get a comment.