Let me tell you a few things about Sloucho. Special bonus: all of them are true.
He is one of the leading Fantasy Football pundits on satellite radio. He was one of the best things about Epinions. He's been a drummer in two of the greatest bands you've never heard of, although not in this one. He founded the Texas School of Deconstruction in the early 1990s. He published the book based on his dissertation in the 2000s, before any of the several novels he wrote during grad school, which sadly remain unpublished (except in Pushcart Prize nominated short stories). He and I spent far too many hours researching video games not to have finished the book we planned to write together on them five years ago by now. He is the friend I mentioned in a comment a little while back who's been trying to sell me on Family Guy. He is against children. He is currently experiencing the joys of tenure-track purgatory after years in adjunct hell. When is he going to finish that science fiction novel? Not even he knows.
And he was put on this planet to respond to this.